You Have Such A Pretty Face, If Only You’d Lose Some Weight

I am a plus size woman. For as long as I can remember I have been overweight and I have tried everything to lose weight because of the numerous things I was told as a young girl. When you are young and impressionable these things stab at the soul, pierce the heart and stay with you forever until you eventually start to believe every single word.

  1. “You have such a pretty face, if you would just lose some weight you would be a real knockout.”

  2. “You should try this diet.”

  3. “It’s a shame you didn’t end up petite like your mother.”

  4. “You’ll never have a boyfriend or get married because guys don’t like fat girls.”

  5. “Let’s get your dress from Omar the tent maker.”

  6. “You have got to lose weight”- while trying on swimsuits in a fitting room.

These are just a handful of the comments I received as a kid, enough to stay with me, to be engraved into my brain, into the person that I am today.  “I am fat, I am overweight, I am obese, I will never be loved, I am not enough, I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough, I will never be sexy, I will never be beautiful, I am disgusting, I am ugly, I hate myself.”  These are the messages that played over and over and over again in my mind.  I will never be good enough is a common theme that has played out in my life for many years.

Today at age 41 I have had enough, I am tired of being that scarred young girl.  I am a beautiful person, a wonderful mother and wonderful wife.   I am more than a body, more than a face, more than the cellulite on my thighs, I am more. I am important to my husband, my children and my friends.  I matter to people in my life.  I want to do things, try new things, things I would always put off.  I would say things like ” when  I am thinner or when I lose weight, I want to …. ” I want to do them now, I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every second,  I want to have fun and be free from all these doubts in my mind.  Now I am the only one holding me back.


Dear Santa,

I am too old to be writing this letter even though sometimes I feel like a 12 year old trapped in a 40 year old’s body  When you are a mom and especially a special needs mom (my 6 year old has Down Syndrome and my 12 year old has Tourette’s –oh and I homeschool them both)  your wants and needs sometimes get put on the back burner, heck there are some days I am lucky I get a solid 5 hrs sleep and a shower.  But that’s how it should be right and Christmas is for kids but this year Santa can I be a little selfish and ask for some things for myself and my husband.


  1. A full time babysitter that I can call whenever I need to go on a date with my husband (we haven’t had a date in a while)
  2. Memberships to our favorite exercise classes because we need to take care of our bodies. Exercise makes me feel great and like a human being
  3. A lifetime supply of starbucks because coffee is life especially when waking up at 4-5 am with my daughter everyday
  4. I want my husband to have a break- he does so much for us. I would love to give him a Tower Hobbies Shopping spree and the time to work on the RC Cars that he loves so much and never has time for. I would love to give him an office makeover and a garage makeover because he just never has the time to get it all done.
  5. I wish our home and car was paid for so that we can start saving money for our daughter for when we are gone one day.
  6. A successful blog and youtube channel so that I can have something that I can do something I am proud of and help provide for my family.
  7. A Target shopping spree so I can go to Target by myself and buy whatever I want. (I know not very realistic but a girl can dream can’t she)
  8. Someone to professionally decorate and organize my house (If Joanna Gaines isn’t too busy? Maybe you could give her a call)
  9. A housekeeper (I am thinking Mrs Garrett, Mr Belvedere, hey if I am asking they have to have personality too—this is my dream isn’t it?
  10. Those meal comes right to your door plans- lifetime supply because Hello Fresh needs to be in my life.
  11. Clothes that don’t look like I have shopped the clearance rack at Walmart-bc I do and I really don’t want to anymore.
  12. Have my hair done once a month so that once in a while I look like maybe I own a brush and a mirror.
  13. Makeup- to make me feel pretty once in a while and to cover the dark circles
  14. All the homeschool supplies I could ever want or need
  15. Time to do crafts- and I just need more crafts in my life
  16. Most of all I wish for happiness and I wish that my children will learn all the things they need to learn and that they will be treated with love and respect in this world.
  17. A VACATION with my husband
  18. A real vacation with my family that doesn’t feel like work
  19. Better relationships with family members
  20. I want to feel normal- I want to leave the house without dealing with major meltdowns
  21. I want to talk to my daughter, I mean a real conversation her speech is so limited that it is hard to communicate with her sometimes.
  22. A potty trained almost 7 year old – this is one of the things that really sucks about Down Syndrome- really sucks.
  23. A lifetime supply of movie tickets- so if we just need a break for the afternoon one of us can go watch a movie and escape for a bit.
  24. Family portraits
  25. Sleep just one night of unbroken, uninterrupted beautiful sleep
  26. A real wedding ring and engagement ring – 15 years and still don’t have my own ring
  27. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, in a group, never have felt like I quite fit in anywhere.

Okay since I know this is just a silly letter and probably is never going to happen I guess I can just go crazy with it.

  1. I want to go to Calfornia to see the redwoods, Nevada to see the Grand Canyon, to Vegas and to Hawaii oh and a Disney Cruise, and I want to go to Disneyland in CA
  2. I wish noise didn’t bother my daughter and stop us from doing things, I wish my son would conquer his fears of rollercoasters.
  3. My son loves music and plays the guitar I want to be able to afford all the music lessons his heart desires.



Well big guy that’s all I got and it’s a doozy.  Even though I know this isn’t a reality it was still fun to dream for a bit.


Merry Christmas and Happy New Year


An Exhausted but Happy and Hopeful

Special  Needs Mom

The Magic is Endless at Our #DisneyPreschooPlaydate

We are a Disney Family, we love all things Disney and when I say this I really mean it. We even moved to Central Florida just so we could be closer to Walt Disney World, okay there were a few more reasons, but it was one of the top 3.  You can imagine my family’s excitement when we were chosen to host a Disney Preschool Playdate and partner with Disney and Mom Select. We were sent some wonderful products from Disney, American Tourister, Soft Soap, Pillow Pets, HP and Popsecret all to use at our party.

My wheels started spinning so of course what do you do when you need some Disney inspiration?  You go right to the source of course.  So off we went to Disney World to enjoy a day at Magic Kingdom where the magic truly is endless.


My daughter is 5 and has Down syndrome and my son who is 11 has Tourette’s Syndrome.  When we go to Disney we escape all our hardships, all the medical things, all the everyday stresses and we just escape into the magic.

It’s the smell of the cotton candy lingering in the air, the sight of all the mickey balloons floating above, the sounds of laughter and music and the feeling of true magic that help us to feel like we have escaped even for just a few hours.  We are a family at Disney, and nothing else in the world matters for that moment in time.

Leaving the park gave me the inspiration I needed to host a great party.   I decided to stick with the Mickey theme because after all it did all start with a mouse.  From the decorations, to the crafts, to the snacks, my inspiration was Mickey and his pals.  My daughter absolutely adores Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Disney Junior and my son loved it when he was her age.


I stuck with the classic Mickey colors of black, red and yellow.  I used printables for invitations and signs from Frugal Coupon Living Catch My Party

We have lots of Disney friends and toys in our house so we used all the things we had along with all the things sent to us to create a magical Disney party.  Instead of playing games at our party we actually went to Epcot later that evening to look for some hidden Mickey’s using the cards that were sent to us. We had so much fun.  We had the hidden Mickey game a little easier for my daughter because she is special needs. She just had to look for Mickey anywhere she saw him and we filled in the Mickey head for her.

I want to thank Walt Disney World and Mom Select for providing My Hands and Heart are Full with this wonderful opportunity. It was so much fun. Disney is a part of our lives and always will be.  It was fun to show everyone our #Disneyside and bring the magic home from the parks and throw a super fun Disney party. We love the Walt Disney World Resort where the magic is endless, especially for our family.

Check out a video of the party on my Youtube Channel.














So today was just another ordinary day. My mom wasn’t feeling well and I told her I would pick up some medicine for her  and I had to make a stop at Wal-Mart anyway.  So off I went with Leah to Wal-Mart.  While getting her out of the car and into one of those huge shopping carts with the seat in front of the cart (seriously the thing is the size of a minivan)  Anyhoo, I was strapping her into the seat when I hear an older woman and what seemed to be her daughter talking.   I hear her say the following “There are so many special needs kids around here!”  “In my day we didn’t just parade them around like they were normal”  WHAT THE $%^#  DID YOU JUST SAY?  Is what I wanted to say but I didn’t.  I believe I took the higher road, the road less traveled.  Anyway I said loudly enough for her to hear me. “C’mon Leah, let’s go parade around Wal-Mart.” Oh and she heard me because if looks could kill.  I waved and said “Have a lovely day!”

Seriously though, what is wrong with people?  Why on earth would you say something like that?  Why would you say something like that loud enough that I can hear you?  I am a special needs parent, that doesn’t mean  I am deaf.  I realize you have an opinion, I realize you want to share that opinion, but guess what NO ONE CARES!!!!!!!!!

Little Girl’s Room Tour

I couldn’t wait for the day when I had a little girl and my own home to be able to decorate the most beautiful room for her.  This past weekend my husband and I did just that.  We chose the most beautiful mint green, cream and coral color scheme.  We got lots of decorations that just pulled the room altogether.

IMG_6043IMG_6049 IMG_6053 IMG_6055 IMG_6044

We love her new room and so does she check out our tour on youtube.

To the Parents of the Sweet Little Boy Attacked by the Alligator at Disney World

To the Parents of the Alligator Attack at the Grand Floridian,

We have never met but my heart is breaking for you.  I am the mom of 2 beautiful children, one who is special needs and underwent open heart surgery.  We are big Disney fans, even moved here to be near Disney from NY. My husband and I are parents just like you, this could have been us or any other family on vacation with their little ones. I can’t imagine what you are feeling but as a mom I know you are probably blaming yourselves. You were on vacation in the most magical place on earth, you let your guard down as I have done and hundreds of thousands have done while you are on vacation.  I feel like so many people will judge you, hell I even judged you when I first heard about it.  My first thought was “where were his parents?”
The more I sat and thought about it and tried to put myself in your place, the more I realized that it could have been me, it could have been anyone.  I am so sorry that this horrible thing happened to your beautiful little boy, I am so sorry that your family is suffering.  I am so sorry that this happened in the most magical place on earth.  You need to be strong for each other and your other children.  Be strong and my thoughts and prayers are with you.  I am so sorry that this happened to your family.


Another Parent

Being a Mom to a child with Down Syndrome

Beth and Leah

There are things you just don’t talk about as a mother of a child with Down Syndrome.  There are things you just don’t say out loud.  People think I am strong, people think I was chosen to be her mother, people think that I do a great job at being her mom.  But there is a truth that no-one knows, an underlying layer that is waiting to be exposed into the cool air.  But I can’t say it, I can’t show it, I can’t be vulnerable, I won’t be.  There are things that you just don’t get, things that you just don’t know.
Most days are good, most days are great but there are days when I cry, I cry so hard it hurts to breathe,  I cry until my eyes are red and swollen, I cry until there are no tears left to cry.

You wouldn’t know that I worry all the time.  I don’t sleep most nights, because I lie awake worrying. Worrying about what is going to happen to her when I am gone.  I worry about who she will become, will she have a job, will she meet a boy, will she fall in love, will she get married, will I ever have a conversation with her? These questions just race through my mind all night long.

You would never know that I continually doubt myself and everything I do. I should do this, I should have done that.  It’s my fault she’s not doing x, y or z.  If only I had done this. Maybe I should do this or try that.  It is a constant battle in my mind.

You would never understand that I just need friends.  Friends who can help me escape my world for just a bit, friends who can make me laugh and smile.  I need friends who understand, I need friends who will call me or text me because the likelihood of me calling or texting is very slim although I do try. My time is consumed by all this special needs. It makes me so happy when my friends accept my daughter and treat her like a little girl because that is what she is.

You would never understand that I need to control the environment we are in or going to.  Loud noises, a lot of people in a small space can and will scare my daughter.

You would never understand that I need my family, all of them, near and far.  Most of them unfortunately have turned their backs on me since having my daughter which is very sad and heartbreaking. I need family more than ever now.

You would never know how much little things mean to me, the fact that my child has said a 2 or 3 word sentence is like she climbed Mt.  Everest.

You will never know how much it hurts me when you ask if I will ever go back to work, or if I am going to “do something to make money”  or when people tell me what other people are doing for a living. I loved teaching, I miss teaching but this is my job, it will always be my job.

You may never understand that I am never going to ask for help, ever.  It isn’t me to begin with but it certainly isn’t who I am now.

You will never understand that I just want to feel normal, a normal mom, a normal family, I want to just live my life with my husband and wonderful kids and be happy.

Speaking of being happy, you will never understand the pure joy and happiness my little princess gives me everyday.  She has a genuine happy personality, she doesn’t judge, she just loves unconditionally.  She can make you smile ear to ear and make you laugh until you cry on most days.  I am lucky to be a part of her life, lucky to be the one she calls mom.  Though my life isn’t “normal” or perfect.  I love each moment, the good and the bad and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Bestest, Friendliest Friend

I can spread kindness, a smile, thoughtfulness, friendship like peanut butter on a cracker. But ya know what today I am all out of peanut butter, “Damn it!!”   I am a great friend, the bestest friend you will ever have in your entire life.   I am loyal, I am trustworthy, I am a great listener, I am thoughtful, I am all the things you dream of in a friend.   You know when you sit down and think to yourself, I wish I had a friend who thought of me on my birthday, on holidays, who would run over if I needed anything, be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, someone to laugh with, hang out with, be goofy with, you name it.   Where is that kind of friend?  Well I am your girl!!! Only most people seem to overlook all of my friendliest friend qualities and not even give me a chance.

I should have told you,  that before I can be your BFF you have to earn my trust, sorry it’s just the way I am, been hurt too many times by too many people. I at first will come across as shy, most people think that I am a bitch, but really that isn’t the case, well sometimes maybe, but for good reason.   If you engage me and talk to me and if I don’t feel like I am being judged, that’s it you’ve cracked the code.   I will talk until your ear falls off, I will listen.

I only wish I could get passed the bitch part ya know?  I think that I suffer with wanting people to like me and accept me syndrome. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and accept them but never seem to get the same in return.  So back to my peanut butter analogy back there.  I am all out.  I am all out of being the friend everyone wants, the friend everyone deserves.  It seems like I only hear from certain friends when they want or need something.

With Facebook I am able to see everyone writing about their friends, their bff’s, their bae’s?????? What the hell is a bae, by the way???? I haven’t a clue.   I have kept a friend I have had since kindergarten who now I only get to see once a year which is sad but I am thankful that I have her even if it is every 365 days.  I have a cousin who I consider my friend. I have met some great friends here in Florida, lifetime friends I believe. But because I have been hurt so many times by people I have a hard time really connecting with and trusting people, but I am working on it.

This friend stuff was hard when I was a kid but it is even harder now.  But I am happy to say that I have learned to let my guard down and I have made some of the best friends I have ever had, here in sunshiny Florida.

Dear Lady Who Fat Shamed Me

To the lady who fat shamed me on vacation with my husband and my children.  You are UGLY.  Now when I say UGLY, I don’ t mean ugly like you would mean ugly. I mean UGLY on the inside.  You are a mean, horrible, ugly person on the inside, which I believe is much worse than being ugly on the outside. So you might want to go on a spiritual kind of diet, learn to be kind, learn to be happy with yourself, learn not to judge people. 

Now I am well aware that I have some weight to lose, believe me I got it, I do own a mirror.  But just like you I was on vacation with my husband and my kids minding my own business and there you were fit as a fiddle in your short dress and sandals.  If you didn’t open your mouth I would have thought you were quite pretty, that your family looked so happy and nice. But nope you opened your trap and your ugly spilled out.  You looked right in my face and said “If I ever get cellulite like that, I will kill myself.” “Some people should not wear shorts!” Wait, what????? Did you really just say what I think you said?
I felt like I was being stabbed, I felt like the little fat kid again being teased in Grammar School.  I am ashamed to say that I let your ugly words ruin my day.  We had plans to go in the pool at our hotel and that didn’t happen because I let your words define me.  I let your words mean something to me, when really they should have meant nothing. When I should have known that what you think about me, has nothing to do with me but everything to do with you.  I am embarrassed that I let your words cause me to miss swimming in the pool with my son.  I am ashamed not of my cellulite but that I let someone’s unkindness make me feel like less of a person, less of a mother, less of a wife.  I am sad that I missed making memories with my family because you are so unhappy in your own life that you have to make someone else feel bad about themselves,  to make yourself feel better.  You obviously are very high maintance with your designer sundress, designer shoes, and lets not forget the designer watch and purse. You obviously took way too long in front of the mirror.  
It was very hot out which is why I had shorts on and I don’t often wear shorts because you see the flaws that you pointed out are exactly the flaws I see in myself, the very flaws that I am self conscious about.  So it is a rare occassion that I wear shorts. But I was having so much fun with my family, making a conscious effort to show up in pictures with my kids and not caring what anyone thought.   Then you showed up thinking I couldn’t hear you because apparently if you are fat you are also deaf.
This is not the first time that I have dealt with people belittling me because of my weight, it happened all the time as a child by my own family members and friends.  So this is not my first rodeo as they say. I have dealt with people and their views of how I should look for a long time and I am tired of it. You know that saying, you know the one your mother should have taught you but didn’t.  “If you don’t have anything nice to say than don’t say anything at all.”
This happened this past summer and it has taken me this long to put it out there. It was hurtful and embarrassing.  But I learned that her opinion of me is of no value to me whatsoever.  I have so many things in my life to be happy about and thankful for.   I am working on my physical self and I hope to look as good in a dress one day as she did  but I know that my inner self, my kindness, my happieness, my joy is in tip top shape which is more than I can say for some people.
I wanted to make a video about it, but I can express my feelings better when I write. 
Check out my youtube channel