I am a realistic poster child, I can face reality with the best of them, I am practical, I am firm, I am certainly not a dreamer. Although while pregnant I did dream of what it would be like to have this perfect little baby girl, but would quickly snap myself out of the dream to face the reality of the possible truth. My mother says I have a form of ESP, I always get this nagging feeling when something out of the ordinary is going to happen. I get a “bad feeling,” so to speak. So I knew the moment I went into labor that this was not going to be what I expected, and it wasn’t. Always go with your gut feeling is what I always say.
Reality is rearing its ugly head again, pushing it’s way into my happy place, the place I have tried to create when my little girl arrived home. The reality is setting in because she will be having her surgery in just a few short days. It is all too real.
Days, hours, minutes, seconds, it’s all just time but it is all we really have, all this world really gives us without expecting anything in return. It is our choice as beings to decide what to do with that time, whether to be happy and to have fun or to be miserable and stay motionless. I can honestly confirm that before having my daughter I was a very closed off person, a person who expected the worst out of any situation, because I have been hurt by so many people in my life. I didn’t expect good in people and always looked for the negative. My daughter has completely submerged me into a life filled with optimism, love and light. She is only a few months old and has opened so many beautiful doors for me as her mother.
I am learning slowly that there are people who love me for me, who want to be there for me, who will go out of their way to help me, who will listen to me, who will be my shoulder to cry on, who will be my friend because I am worthy of that love and friendship. I took me 34 years to learn and a very special little girl to teach me the way to give that love and friendship back and most importantly receive it.
So onWednesday we were rushed down to the hospital by the baby’s cardiologist. “I don’t like how she is breathing and she has lost weight.” he said as he picked up the phone to call the hospital and tell them we were on our way. Oh God it is starting, my mind was racing as the tears flowed from my eyes like fountains, she is starting to fail. All I could think was I was not ready for this, not at all. I can’t do this, I cannot watch my baby suffer like this.
So I get her down to the hospital, they put her in the ER because there are no rooms available. The agonizing 6 hours began, having to watch the nurses hold my baby down and put needles into her tiny little perfect veins, in her tiny helpless little hands. I couldn’t bear to look or to hear her cry, I think I may have cried more than she did. Now I am reminded of the pain she endured by the tiny little bruises on her tiny little hands.
By 10 pm we were given a room and miraculously by the power of the formula gods or i’m not sure who, baby girl started eating like nobody’s business. She decided, “oh mom what were you all so worried about I’m hungry now”, so after a day of several 2oz bottles they decided that she was eating well enough to go home, and that she would have the surgery in the next few weeks.
So I guess this little hospital visit was a preview, a test run of what is yet to come. I just hope and pray to anyone who is listening. Please, please, please let my baby girl get through all of this, because I cannot imagine a life without her in it. She is my joy, my love, my laughter, my reason for breathing. please keep her safe and let her get through this and recover with ease.
Laughter seems to be the best medicine for me right now. While talking to a friend last night and my cousin earlier in the day. I realized I really needed to laugh, it felt good, it felt like all the pressure building up inside me was released in a single chuckle. Most people do not know what to say to me, most people feel sorry for me, but it is so nice to know that there are people out there who get me and what I am going through and can most certainly make me laugh until I cry. They say that laughter has social, mental and physical benefits, all of which I could certainly use right now. We are born with laughter, my daughter has begun to smile within the first few weeks of life and will be able to laugh out loud in a few months.
Sometimes I have an inherited fear of doom in my life, an expectation that all things bad will come my way because I am being punished in some way.
In talking with that friend last night, I came to the realization that things are not so bad. I need to create more opportunities in my life to laugh and to experience true happieness. It must start with removing all the negative vibes in my life, removing everyone and everything that causes me to feel that overwhelming sense of dismay.
I will instead try to smile more, count my blessings and allow more laughter and fun people into my life, people who truly care about me and will go out of their way to make me smile. So thank you to those people in my life that make me laugh and smile (you know who you are :))
Talking about all this renewal yesterday, got me to thinking about birthdays. I have loved celebrating my son’s birthday each year and planning a wonderful birthday party for him. Now that we have our little girl my mind is full of so many wonderful ideas to start celebrating her birthdays. This year will be the most special of all I think, when we make it through to August and being able to look behind us and say, “I can’t believe we made it.” That is the day I long for.
I love birthdays and parties, I never really had birthday parties growing up and have always wanted one so I guess that’s why I like to go all out when it is for my children. I am super crafty, ask anyone. I like to try to make everything and I have so much fun doing it, everyone says I should start my own business, maybe I will someday.
This was D’s first birthday. Yes I made everything and loved every minute of it.
As the weather is getting cooler here in New York, I can’t help but start to feel wonderful, Fall has always felt like my “New Year” my time for renewal, time to make changes, time to enjoy. Maybe it is because I am a teacher and in Septmeber I would always begin a new year, a new class, new supplies, a fresh new start.
So as the weather starts to feel like fall I become totally submerged in it, I want to indulge in all things that speak fall to me. I love all things pumpkin, coffee, pancakes, muffins, pie, if it’s made of pumpkin I will try it.
So as we enter fall my baby girl is about to have a renewal of her own so to speak. She will receive her surgery sometime in October or November. I am dreading it and looking to get it over with at the same time, sort of like pulling off a band-aid, you know it is going to hurt like hell but it has to be done. During this time of pumpkins and cool crisp breezes I have a heavy feeling in my heart, knowing that my baby will be going through so much. But I will still try and make traditions for her and my son, although this year we couldn’t go apple picking like we used to I know that next year we will be there and she will be a healthy and happy little girl and I can’t wait for all our the adventures we are going to have. But for now we can make our own fun at home with her and my son.