This is a Summer Bucket List of things I plan to do with my family and myself this summer 2012, I hope.
56. Maybe attend the Down Syndrome Conference if we can make some extra
money and if the pediatrician says it’s okay.
57. Have a yard sale
I know that my little girl will do things in her own time, she will do all the other things that other babies do when she is good and ready to do them. I know how far she has come, to barely being able to hold her head up at 5 months old to holding it up just fine now. I guess I see other babies online that are younger than her that are sitting, crawling, standing, walking even and I start to feel sad for her. I am not sure why, I mean I know she is just fine and she is not sad about it, I know that when she is ready she will do it.
She has become very stubborn,she will talk and babble while the physical therapist is here, she is really vocal. But the minute the speech therapist walks over the threshhold, mums the word. I kid you not, not a sound, not a rasberry, NOTHING. The therapist tries anything and everything to get her to make some noise, and she’s like “Nope, not today lady.” How does she know? It’s like she knows exactly what she wants her to do and she will not do it. “I will talk when I want to talk lady and I don’t want to talk right now, so there” The minute the speech therapist leaves it’s like the flood gates open, and she has so much to say, she really can’t contain herself. It really is too funny, boy am I in for it when she is a toddler, a teenager.
As a child summer couldn’t get here quick enough, the time between Easter and Summer vacation felt like an eternity. I remember that was the time I would get to spend time with my parents, they both worked so it was hard for them during the work week. But vacation was the best, we usually spent 4th of July in Hershey Park and another week in July in Disneyworld. It was awsome and I have some of my most fondest memories of those times.
This is actually the first summer in a long time that I am so excited for, I feel like a kid on Christmas or one in the back seat saying “Are we there yet, how much longer?” I need this summer,I need to go on vacation, I need to be with my little family, I need to escape the reality of therapies and medical bills for just a little while, I need to feel the warm sun on my face, the sweet smell of the ocean, I need to feel the hustle and bustle of amusement parks, I need it now, more than ever. There is something about summer vacation that instantly brings you back to the time when your were a child, the anticipation, the excitement, I am feeling all of those feelings now and I have not felt them in a long time. I decided I am going to make somewhat of a summer bucket list, things I would love to do all summer with the kids and my husband and for myself and I hope that I will at least get to do some of them.
Both my kids are summer babies so it will be lots of celebrations, lots of games and parties, and decorations, just lots of fun.
I know all the responsibilities of therapies and medical bills will still be here but it will be nice to escape into the sunshine and all the glories of summer even if just for a little while. So sunshine and carefree days I am ready for ya, bring it on.
My son was born in 2005, I had just finished teaching 5th grade that June, I had just earned my Master’s degree and I was having my first baby. It was a wonderful pregnancy once I finished the first trimester, I have never felt better. His name was supposed to be Joshua or Andrew, but as they wheeled me into the operating room, a song by Elton John was playing, and the rest as they say was history.
I was new at this motherhood thing and there were other people in my life that weren’t making this new transition any easier. I could handle a classrooom full of 20 fifth graders no problem, but this little tiny baby, nothing I did ever seemed to be right. He cried a lot and nothing I did made it any better.
In those begining mommy years, it was hard for me, hard to give up the career that I had chosen, that I had loved so dear, that had become a part of me. I had spent the last 4 years working and going to grad school, I left the house at 6 am and didn’t get home until 10 pm sometimes. I missed it, I missed the time I had to myself, somehow I was slowly losing myself and becoming something I didn’t know how to be.
As he became a toddler, and became mobile he became a lot happier, we were on a journey together, trying to figure eachother out and I think we definitely succeeded. Since the moment he was born he has been cute, clever, curious and my little buddy. He taught me so much that first year of his life, he taught me how to be the best mom I can be, he taught me to be myself, he taught me to laugh and to have fun.
I have grown into this mommy role quite nicely and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, not one second, jobs, careers they come and go but my kids will only be this little just once, I had them and it is my job to raise them, so to those people that are constantly asking me when I am going back to work, or do I think I will ever go back to teaching, the answers are I am not sure and probably not, I need to be with my kids. To those moms that have to work and be a mommy, I admire you and honestly don’t know how you do it. I think that we all have guilt and people tend to make us feel guilty, stay at home moms feel guilty because they are not making money and working moms feel guilty that they are not there with their kids. You can’t win. Honestly I am fine about my decision to stay home and so is my husband and that is all that really matters. I love my children and I cherish all the time I am able to spend with them and I thank my husband for how hard he works to enable me to do so.
I can see him growing inch by inch right before my eyes. His little voice is even changing, where did the time go, seriously where the hell did it go? He was a baby in my arms like 5 minutes ago, I can still smell him, feel his warm baby breath on my cheek. Now that little baby will be 7 in a few short months. 7 when did I become the mother of a 7 year old.
He is more like 6 going on 30, he is my little professor as I like to call him. So matter of fact, such a rule stickler, he is, it’s so cute. It will be 7:30 in the morning and and he has to leave for school at 7:35 and he will say, “Mom please tell me I am not going to be late for school.” He is stubborn, very stubborn, has to get the last word in always, can’t imagine where he gets that from.
He is gentle, kind and caring when he wants to be, one day when we were sitting in the living room and he says, “Mom I want you to know something, when I get bigger I am going to take care of Leah, she can live in my house and I will always protect her.” I think I cried like a baby that day, he is wise beyond his years. He knows that his sister has Down Syndrome and that she had heart surgery but you never really know to what extent they really understand, I think he gets it more than I thought he did, I don’t give him enough credit sometimes.
He loves video games, not just playing them but creating levels and all of that. I told him maybe he should go to school for that when he gets older and he in a very matter of fact way told me “Seriously mom? I am going to be an inventor. I am going to invent a robot that will take care of Leah if I am away on business” That kid cracks me up.
He is my little man and I admire everything about him, his ability to be silly at a moment’s notice, his serious nature, his ability to focus, his zest for things. I call him Buddy, because he is my little Buddy.
We had a very busy weekend. Got to visit with our cousins that we have not seen in a while, it was so nice to spend time together and to watch the kids play the day away, they all get along wonderfully. My daughter got to spend time with her Godmother, and got to be outside all day. My son got to spend the day with his favorite friend and cousin.
April 14 would have been my Grandmother’s 83rd birthday, she has been gone for a year now and I honestly believed that her passing might bring everyone closer together. I believe that family is so important, it is a shame that so many of my family members don’t seem to want anything to do with anyone. They have let years and years go by pretending that they do not need one another, it is something that I wish I could fix but I do not have the power to do so. It just makes me so sad that my children have so many extended family members many of whom they have never even met.
I know that my cousin and I are going to make an effort to get together more, to get our children together more, because in the end, family is all you really have in this life.
Sorry for the lack of blogging lately, just haven’t had it in me. When I sit down to write I guess I have to feel it, I have to want to write, and I have to feel like what I am putting on this blog is worth everyone’s time and effort and I guess lately I feel like people are probably not interested anymore, I am sure there are people that are sick of seeing my blog post show up on Facebook and have even been told so and I quote “Nobody Cares, get over yourself.” So I guess that was pretty tough to swallow, and is probably why I haven’t written in a while. I actually thought about stopping the whole thing,
Anyway I enjoy writing and if you don’t like my blog or reading the updates than you don’t have to read it, it is totally your opinion and you are entitled to it. So I will resume regular blogging in a couple of days and to the people sending me nasty messages, I am sorry that you think I need to get over myself, but I am just doing something that I enjoy.
Yesterday was my little girls first big outing and her first Easter. With Spring comes, new life, new awakenings, new moments to treasure. We had our first vist to someone’s house since August, it was a wonderful feeling and a little nerve wracking at the same time. I can’t wait to have many more outings and the chance to make wonderful memories with my little family.
We hope everyone had a wonderful Easter !!!!!
As my daughter continues to thrive and do things I never expected her to do, as she continues to amaze me each and every day it makes me think about my own self and expectations for myself. If she can get through all that she has and then some, surely I can accomplish my own goals that I have set for myself. I have already accomplished a lot in my life but now I seem to come up with too many reasons of why I can’t do this or shouldn’t do that. There is always money which is a legitimate reason of why I cannot accomplish things. I would love to start my own party business, where I would make all the decorations, invites, paper products, etc, but one needs money to start such a business, so my head fills with all of these wonderful ideas of what I would create, what I would sell, how successful I would be but then the negative thoughts flood my mind (the you would have to make a lot of things to take pictures of and the things require supplies, which requires money and so on and so forth,) it is a neverending snowball effect. I want to learn photography, to play the guitar. to do all sorts of things but my thoughts get in my way, paralyzing me from moving forward. To me all of these things are wants, not needs and are therefore frivolous.
I have fears, fears that linger in my heart and my soul, fear of things going wrong, fear of the rug being pulled out from under me as it has so many times before, the fear of the unknown. I hope and pray that these fears subside in me, but after being hurt and having horrible things happen, I fear that it will always be that way, the fear has made a permanent dwelling in my being, it lingers there and feeds off my feelings of dismay. I often wonder what it feels like to be carefree, to not have a worry in the world. I guess my first step is to stop being fearful, but how to do that is the question.