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Monthly Archives: October 2015

Bestest, Friendliest Friend

I can spread kindness, a smile, thoughtfulness, friendship like peanut butter on a cracker. But ya know what today I am all out of peanut butter, “Damn it!!”   I am a great friend, the bestest friend you will ever have in your entire life.   I am loyal, I am trustworthy, I am a great listener, I am thoughtful, I am all the things you dream of in a friend.   You know when you sit down and think to yourself, I wish I had a friend who thought of me on my birthday, on holidays, who would run over if I needed anything, be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, someone to laugh with, hang out with, be goofy with, you name it.   Where is that kind of friend?  Well I am your girl!!! Only most people seem to overlook all of my friendliest friend qualities and not even give me a chance.

I should have told you,  that before I can be your BFF you have to earn my trust, sorry it’s just the way I am, been hurt too many times by too many people. I at first will come across as shy, most people think that I am a bitch, but really that isn’t the case, well sometimes maybe, but for good reason.   If you engage me and talk to me and if I don’t feel like I am being judged, that’s it you’ve cracked the code.   I will talk until your ear falls off, I will listen.

I only wish I could get passed the bitch part ya know?  I think that I suffer with wanting people to like me and accept me syndrome. I always give people the benefit of the doubt and accept them but never seem to get the same in return.  So back to my peanut butter analogy back there.  I am all out.  I am all out of being the friend everyone wants, the friend everyone deserves.  It seems like I only hear from certain friends when they want or need something.

With Facebook I am able to see everyone writing about their friends, their bff’s, their bae’s?????? What the hell is a bae, by the way???? I haven’t a clue.   I have kept a friend I have had since kindergarten who now I only get to see once a year which is sad but I am thankful that I have her even if it is every 365 days.  I have a cousin who I consider my friend. I have met some great friends here in Florida, lifetime friends I believe. But because I have been hurt so many times by people I have a hard time really connecting with and trusting people, but I am working on it.

This friend stuff was hard when I was a kid but it is even harder now.  But I am happy to say that I have learned to let my guard down and I have made some of the best friends I have ever had, here in sunshiny Florida.

Dear Lady Who Fat Shamed Me

To the lady who fat shamed me on vacation with my husband and my children.  You are UGLY.  Now when I say UGLY, I don’ t mean ugly like you would mean ugly. I mean UGLY on the inside.  You are a mean, horrible, ugly person on the inside, which I believe is much worse than being ugly on the outside. So you might want to go on a spiritual kind of diet, learn to be kind, learn to be happy with yourself, learn not to judge people. 

Now I am well aware that I have some weight to lose, believe me I got it, I do own a mirror.  But just like you I was on vacation with my husband and my kids minding my own business and there you were fit as a fiddle in your short dress and sandals.  If you didn’t open your mouth I would have thought you were quite pretty, that your family looked so happy and nice. But nope you opened your trap and your ugly spilled out.  You looked right in my face and said “If I ever get cellulite like that, I will kill myself.” “Some people should not wear shorts!” Wait, what????? Did you really just say what I think you said?
I felt like I was being stabbed, I felt like the little fat kid again being teased in Grammar School.  I am ashamed to say that I let your ugly words ruin my day.  We had plans to go in the pool at our hotel and that didn’t happen because I let your words define me.  I let your words mean something to me, when really they should have meant nothing. When I should have known that what you think about me, has nothing to do with me but everything to do with you.  I am embarrassed that I let your words cause me to miss swimming in the pool with my son.  I am ashamed not of my cellulite but that I let someone’s unkindness make me feel like less of a person, less of a mother, less of a wife.  I am sad that I missed making memories with my family because you are so unhappy in your own life that you have to make someone else feel bad about themselves,  to make yourself feel better.  You obviously are very high maintance with your designer sundress, designer shoes, and lets not forget the designer watch and purse. You obviously took way too long in front of the mirror.  
It was very hot out which is why I had shorts on and I don’t often wear shorts because you see the flaws that you pointed out are exactly the flaws I see in myself, the very flaws that I am self conscious about.  So it is a rare occassion that I wear shorts. But I was having so much fun with my family, making a conscious effort to show up in pictures with my kids and not caring what anyone thought.   Then you showed up thinking I couldn’t hear you because apparently if you are fat you are also deaf.
This is not the first time that I have dealt with people belittling me because of my weight, it happened all the time as a child by my own family members and friends.  So this is not my first rodeo as they say. I have dealt with people and their views of how I should look for a long time and I am tired of it. You know that saying, you know the one your mother should have taught you but didn’t.  “If you don’t have anything nice to say than don’t say anything at all.”
This happened this past summer and it has taken me this long to put it out there. It was hurtful and embarrassing.  But I learned that her opinion of me is of no value to me whatsoever.  I have so many things in my life to be happy about and thankful for.   I am working on my physical self and I hope to look as good in a dress one day as she did  but I know that my inner self, my kindness, my happieness, my joy is in tip top shape which is more than I can say for some people.
I wanted to make a video about it, but I can express my feelings better when I write. 
Check out my youtube channel