The Ride Of Life

Life is a rollercoaster ride or so we are told.  Sometimes you want to ride the dips and hills with your hands in the air, other times you’ve got a white knuckled grip on the bar and you are holding on for dear life, and then there are those times when you just want to get off the ride, not wanting to endure the highs or lows that come with riding.
Life is a lot like this, especially when there are things getting thrown at you left and right.  Sometimes I feel like I can accomplish anything, conquer the world, I am super mom.  Other times I feel like I just want to curl into a ball and let it all just pass me by, like I cannot handle what the ride of life has to throw at me.
I feel like I have been having a few of those get off the ride days, surgeons, cardiologists, pediatricians, when will it ever end?  I know I should be thankful, I know I should be saying, “Thank God -her heart can be fixed.”  But inside I want to scream,  “She is just a baby, damn it, why is she having to go through all of this crap?”  I feel heartbroken, I feel like I want to do all the things that new moms want to do, show off my baby, have a christening, go to mommy and me classes, take her out but I cannot do any of these things for fear of her getting sick.   I so yearn for a sense of normalcy, a sense that we are just like any other mother and daughter, but we are not and I am reminded of that by the doctors. 
Sometimes we all have those days where we feel sorry for ourselves and our circumstances, we just want to be average, normal.  But what is that really?  Normal?  Is it something to be happy about?  Maybe we can but I guess it’s the excitement of the dips and hills in the ride of our life that keeps us coming back for more.

Loves of My Life

Having to bring my daughter back and forth from specialist to specialist and seeing all those children and their parents in the hospital when we met with the surgeon yesterday, got me to thinking. We all really love our kids no matter what.  Whatever our children are going through, one would hope that as a mother or a father that you would be there for your child and show them how much you love him or her. You would move mountains, walk on water all in the name of love for your child if you could. Right?  So then I got to thinking some more, (I am really good at thinking) how does this sweet baby girl and my wonderful son know that I love them, do they know? Do they  truly know how much I love them from the depth of my soul? So I thought I should write it down so that, one day they can read it and realize that I loved them from the moment they came into my life.

To My Sweet Baby Girl,

From the moment you entered my life I have loved you.  You are the sweetest most beautiful baby I have ever seen.  When I hold you it is as if your little body just melts into my arms. I will never forget the first time I looked into your eyes, you were not what I expected, you were so much more.  I knew from that moment on I would love you, I would protect you, I would give you a wonderful life, and show you all this beautiful life has to offer.  When they told me what you were going to have to endure at such a young age, my heart was broken, I don’t want you to have to go through any of this.

We have a lot of rough roads ahead of us but I will help you, I will always be there .  I wish I could take this pain from you, I wish it was my heart they had to cut into and not yours, I would take it from you if I could.  You will never be alone I, promise you , I will be there with you every step of the way and I will love you through it all.  You are always going to be my sweet little girl and I want you to know how much you are loved forever and always.

Love Always,


To My Wonderful  Son,

You have always been my little guy, my pal from the moment you were born.  For 6 years it has just been you and me together exploring the world.  You have brought me so much joy in my life, so much fun, so much laughter, you are one funny kid.  You are so bright, so curious and you make me so proud each and every day.  You amaze me with the things you are able to do and accomplish.  You are so full of life and intelligence, so full of compassion and empathy, I am so proud to be your mom. You have always been so well behaved and people have always told me how blessed I am.  You are my dream come true, my first born child and now you are the best big brother a baby girl could ask for.  I admire your ability to have fun and to imagine anything your little mind can create, I often wish I could be more like you.   I wish I could take a look through your eyes for just one day, and see the world in its entire splendor.  You always have a way of lighting up a room when you enter it and making your presence known and I love you for that.  I look forward to seeing you after school and hearing about your day.  I will always be there for you, to love you, to guide you for all the days of my life. You are my sunshine and I will love you for always and a day, my sweet, loving boy.

Love  Always,


Tell your kids you love them, hold them close, make them feel special.  Life is so short, it is full of ups and downs, ins and outs, but take them by the hand and experience it all with them, enjoy your life with them.

When Life Hands You Lemons

When you wake up and feel like the universe is testing you, to see how much crap you can take before self destructing, when you feel like you just can’t win, when you feel like your life has become one big cosmic joke just try to remember that it can always be worse.  There are people in this world that have it so much worse than you do.

Easier said than done, I know, trust me.  When I found out about my daughter’s conditions I blamed God, the universe, anyone and everyone.  I wanted to know why, who would let a little baby have to suffer through all of this?  Why were there people in the world having healthy kids that didn’t even want them or love them and how was all of this fair?  It wasn’t fair, I did everything right, got married first, had a career, had my children.  When I was pregnant I ate what I was supposed to and steered clear of the things you aren’t allowed to eat while pregnant.  I did everything I was supposed to do, so why was I being punished? Then I realized that I was not being punished, my child was a gift that was supposed to teach me something, teach me about life and how to live it, teach me about enjoying the little things and the moment.  I have always been a big picture kind of girl but this little girl in her short 5 weeks of life has taught me to try to enjoy each little thing, each special moment and be present in the moment instead of always thinking of the next thing.

It has been a learning process, don’t get me wrong, you can’t just expect to change your way of thinking in the blink of an eye, but you can just try to be present in your life and don’t just sit on the sidelines. Life is so short, so while you are dwelling on things that annoy you or bother you or things that just do not seem fair, realize this; you are missing out on moments, moments that can make you smile, moments that can make you laugh, moments that in the big picture are the moments you may never get back.  So take those moments and take them in, breathe them, feel them before it is too late.  So as corny as it may sound; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.